Just ticked off

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This is officially the worst time of the year. I know, “Bill, you are usually upbeat, even with negative things” is the first thought that came to your mind. Well, let me explain.

First of all, Mother Nature refuses to figure out what season we are actually in. One day, we hit the 80s. Two days later, and it is 32 degrees. You can walk in certain parts of the Carolinas and see women with both winter jackets and flip flops on. Yes, it is that crazy.

Second, everything gets a fresh new coat of yellow paint. Or is that pollen? Yep, it is pollen. Unless I am allergic to yellow paint. But at least there is a reason for pollen, because the third item has no reason to be around.

There is a running joke in my household in which no matter what is a cause of aggravation, I respond with, “you know what I hate?” The answer is always one word in plural form. In fact, I usually will let the other answer with the correct response and I will give pause for dramatic effect and repeat the correct response in a soft and wavering manner, to confirm their answer was correct. The short of it is this.


Yes, ticks are what I hate, and I always hate them. They serve no purpose in this world — in this universe in fact — other than for me to hate them. Now, think about that. A total of 1.3 million Earths can fit inside the sun. It takes roughly nine minutes for light to reach the Earth from the sun. It takes 93 billion years for light to reach the edge of the visible universe to us. And yet, ticks are the number one worse creature in all that expanse.

They get cute names and all. Deer ticks, seed ticks, The Tick. I actually like The Tick, as he is everything a a real tick isn’t. He is a superhero. He doesn’t suck people’s blood. He doesn’t give us Lyme disease or Rocky Mountain spotted fever. And best yet, he doesn’t make us allergic to meat.

Real ticks do.

That should probably be enough to hate ticks if you don’t already. I mean, who feasts on meaty animals and then has the gall to make others get deathly sick from doing the same. That isn’t fair at all.

And ticks are stupid. A deer tick should only be on deer. They shouldn’t mistake our cats and dogs for deer. Don’t they know who they are?

And why don’t seed ticks just stay on seeds. And starve. You know, because seeds don’t have blood. That would help out a lot with the cosmic balance of the universe. It would be like Thanos doing The Snap but only wiping out half the ticks rather than half of all things. C’mon Thanos, get your priorities straight!

Now seed ticks aren’t a special species. They are actually tick larvae. Most baby creatures are beautiful and exemplify the pure and innocent of God’s creatures. Seed ticks are definitely from the devil, as even as they are infants they bring rage, fear and disgust to an otherwise sanctuary of goodness.

“Yes, it is true. All of it.”

That wasn’t a line from Han Solo in The Force Awakens in response to whether the legend of Luke Skywalker and the Force is real. It is Harrison Ford agreeing with my assessment of ticks.

So, be careful out there when on your leisurely strolls through the woods, forests and fields. Double check everywhere, including those spots that nobody ever looks at. Because these little demons of disease will go anywhere for their next meal.

By the way, do you know what I hate?